Dear Abby Archives - Long Term Care Insurance Expert | Honey Leveen

Take Responsibility, Folks!

December 2, 2013 by Honey Leveen Leave a Comment

Thank you again, Dear Abby, for providing fodder for this blog.

When I read this recent column, written by a daughter whose mother is evidently in a Medicaid-paid nursing home and receiving less than respectful care, I said to myself, “grow up; face the truth and don’t pawn the blame off on others.” The daughter’s sugary sweet letter smacks of the misguided denial I often see. It is cloaked in the daughter’s dysfunctional view of reality. The daughter aims her complaints at her mother’s caregivers, who are simply the most visible, yet non-responsible, cause.

As usual, Abby does not address the actual problem, which is the public’s widespread avoidance of conversation and responsible planning for long-term care, well in advance. However, she did give a correct answer to the letter writer, which is, “don’t blame the messenger”! Abby also correctly noted that the caregiver is the lowest ranked, lowest-paid, least respected, and in the most understaffed area at the nursing home. These caregivers do their best. They often work two or more jobs, and really must have heart and soul to want to do this type of work. Don’t blame the caregiver for the low quality care you are nearly certain to receive in Medicaid-funded nursing homes.

Horrible Stress That Could Have Been Avoided with Long-Term Care Insurance

September 9, 2013 by Honey Leave a Comment

Once again, thank you, Dear Abby, for giving me additional blog fodder. In Sunday, September 9, 2013’s column, “Mom is caregiver, referee between husband, sons”, a tragic situation in which Mom is the primary caregiver is described. The husband is 99% bed-bound with multiple sclerosis, one son is bipolar and the other has Asperger’s. Both sons have behavioral problems that infuriate their bitter and angry father who tells them that he would hit them if he could. Needless to say, this verbal abuse just increases Mom’s stress.

What a horrible situation!! Imagine how much this family could have benefited from reasonably priced long-term care insurance! The policy would have provided funds to cover some if not all of the cost of a full-time caregiver for Dad and taken a huge load off Mom. Consequently, she could put more energy into caring for her sons.

Please note: the father described must be relatively young. While most long-term care claims come late in life, younger people often file claim on long-term care insurance policies. This is just one reason why it doesn’t make sense to wait to buy long-term care insurance.

I wish I could say that this situation is unusual, but since the odds of needing long-term care are nearly 70% for people over 65, I hear about comparable predicaments almost every day. And until the American public takes these odds seriously – and plans accordingly – we will all continue to read such stories or worse, find ourselves living a similar nightmare.

Caregiver Daughter is Exhausted, Angry

June 10, 2013 by Honey Leveen Leave a Comment

Here’s the June 3, 2013 Dear Abby column. I hear variations of this same story almost every day. It’s a story of resentment, anger, and wasted dreams.

The family member needing care most likely chose to avoid having a conversation about responsible – and reasonable – long-term care planning when they were able to.

“DEAR ABBY: I took care of my grandmother until her death a few years ago, and now my mother is very sick. I feel angry because I’m only 23, and it seems all I have ever done is take care of sick people. I sit at the hospital sometimes just fuming.

Mom was a smoker and now she has cancer. I keep thinking if she hadn’t smoked, she wouldn’t be in this fix, and neither would I. I always visit her and try to do everything she asks of me, and yet I think I’m starting to hate her. I dread going to the hospital, sitting there and waiting for test results, etc. What kind of daughter has feelings like this? — WORST DAUGHTER ON EARTH

DEAR DAUGHTER: Please stop beating yourself up. Your feelings are normal. You have a right to be angry that your mother is sick. At 23, you have had an unusual amount of responsibility thrust upon you for someone your age. That her disease has taken over your life is also a reason to be angry.

However, please stop blaming her for her illness. Right now, you need each other. And nonsmokers get cancer, too. The American Cancer Society has support groups where family members can safely share their feelings. Please check them out.”

Another avoidable, tragic situation caused by failure to plan for LTC

July 9, 2012 by Honey Leave a Comment

Today’s Dear Abby column again advises about grief caused by failure to plan for long-term care. I have pasted it beneath my blog.

The son states he built a new house to accommodate his mother. When his mother became fearful of his wife, she was moved to an assisted living facility. I have two thoughts about this: how traumatic it must have been for the mother to move at that point, and what a saint the wife is for attempting to be the mother’s primary caregiver!

We can only guess how long the son and his wife provided in-home care for his mother there before placing her in assisted living, where she remained for 10 years. The son states his mothers 10+ years of long-term care need left him financially, as well as emotionally drained, so we have evidence the mother had little income and wealth and that her son and daughter-in-law subsidized the cost of her assisted living.

The son states his mother died in 2007 and five years later he is still guilt-ridden because he had to place her in an assisted living facility.

If this family had addressed responsible long-term care planning while the mother was healthy, perhaps the mother would have purchased reasonably priced long-term care insurance (LTCi). Her LTCi would have paid for appropriately trained home health care providers the mother would not be scared of. Mother probably could have remained at home in these circumstances. This probably would have averted the family discord described, plus much of the son’s guilt-ridden grief. It also would have averted the financial drain described.

Why people don’t want to have a conversation about responsible long-term care planning while they are healthy and premiums are reasonable is beyond me.

From Dear Abby’s July 9, 2012 column:

DEAR ABBY: My mother’s Alzheimer’s became apparent after she was in a car accident. I should have noticed the signs earlier, but I didn’t. Her body recovered, her mind did not.

I built a new house with a separate suite for her. My wife and I tried to care for her for a year, but I’m disabled and Mom was afraid of my wife. There was never a moment’s peace. Fearing for our collective health, I finally placed Mom into an assisted living facility. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life.

My children criticized me but offered no alternatives. I visited her as often as possible. Because I could no longer drive, I sent someone with gifts and treats for her. Mom died in 2007 after 10 years in the facility. The last few years she didn’t know me from a doorknob. Her disease left my wife and me drained emotionally and financially. I still feel guilty for not doing more. The look of fear on her face haunts me still. Is this normal for someone in my circumstances? — ONLY CHILD IN FLORIDA

Dear Abby is a Broken Record

March 3, 2012 by Honey Leave a Comment

Dear Abby often advises the topic of people who have not prepared for long-term care. Here’s a recent blog I did about this in September, 2011. In her February 25, 2012 column she describes the issue of elderly neighbors who are now sick and in need of long-term care, for which they have obviously failed to plan responsibly. They would have very likely found LTCi premiums to be very affordable if they had purchased it when they were healthy enough to qualify. Now they are paralyzed by fear and are dogmatically making unwise, unsafe decisions as a result.

Here’s the column:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have become fond of a delightful elderly couple, “Frank” and “Annie.” We bought the home across the street from them 10 years ago. They have four children, two of whom live nearby.

Two years ago, Frank was diagnosed with dementia. They are adamant about staying in the house they’ve owned since they were newlyweds. This means more of the burden of caring for the house and finances now falls to Annie, who has health problems of her own.

We help out whenever we can, because I know money is tight for them. When their lawnmower broke, we bought them a new one, and with the help of another neighbor, we take care of general yardwork and house issues.

I am growing increasingly concerned about the state of their finances, and bewildered that their children never seem to help. They interact with their parents at birthdays and on holidays. I don’t know the children well, but is there a way to help them understand that their parents may not be volunteering all their troubles?

Frank and Annie are proud of what they’ve accomplished, but now they need a little extra support. They never ask for help, but gratefully accept it if it’s offered. Would I be out of line to communicate with our neighbors’ family?

— LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

DEAR LOVE THY NEIGHBOR: Out of line? Not at all. The “children” should be told about your concerns, and also the various things you and the other neighbors have been doing to help their parents. Sometimes the children of aging parents don’t recognize the subtle changes that take place when a loved one has dementia. Bring it out in the open, and you’ll be doing all of them a favor.

Why didn’t Abby take this golden opportunity to recommend pruchase of long-term care insurance? Perhaps it’s same mysterious reason the majority of Americans avoid discussing responsible long-term care planning.

The vast majority of caregivers in the U.S. are unpaid family members like Annie, her children, or neighbors like these. If these neighbors were concerned enough to write to Abby, it’s clear to me that what little assistance these neighbors are providing is not enough. Frank and Annie could already be collecting from their long-term care insurance, if they owned it.

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Take Responsibility, Folks!

Horrible Stress That Could Have Been Avoided with Long-Term Care Insurance

Caregiver Daughter is Exhausted, Angry

Another avoidable, tragic situation caused by failure to plan for LTC

Dear Abby is a Broken Record

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